Grief … sucks!

I want to talk about grief. Before I do, I want to you, my reader, to understand that I am not an expert. I have not studied this; I am living it. So, my comments and thoughts are purely mine, from my own experience over the past four years. I’m not providing any guidance here, just thoughts and encouragement to those of you on this grief journey with me. Know that you are not alone.

The scripture I read this morning is Isaiah 54:13 NKJV All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children.

This scripture has been a foundation scripture ever since I found out I was pregnant over 27 years ago. I have prayed this scripture over my child ever since, and I am so grateful that the Lord heard my prayers, and my child is walking with Jesus today. But just because we have Jesus, doesn’t mean that life will be a bed of rose petals, sitting in the garden singing kumbaya. Jesus warned us in John 16:33 NKJV … In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

“In the world you will have tribulation.” Yuck. Who wants “tribulation”? But we all know that we live in a broken world, and tribulation, a.k.a. storms of life, happen. We get fired from a job, we get passed over for a promotion we know that we are more capable and deserving of, we get into a car accident, we are betrayed by a friend, a loved one dies, our spouse dies. How hard it is to hang onto the promise that Jesus made “be of good cheer, I have overcome the world” when the natural world all around you has exploded. How to take the next step? How to care for that child and help them take that next step when you are broken?

In the first year after my husband passed away, I watched my son carefully. I was concerned that he wasn’t grieving, but he assured me that he was. And I think he did. As I did.

And then I sold our house. The house that my husband and I had built together, and we’d lived in as a family. It was time. We were both ready … or so we thought. I found a lovely new house in a nice neighbourhood, renovated it, and moved in. Then the grief struck again, hard. Moving house is difficult and emotional under any circumstances, but this was the hardest thing I have done since he died. Making decisions on my own, leaning heavily on my faith and my friends and my parents by phone (my family is scattered all over the world and don’t live nearby). I was so wrapped up in my own head and heartache that I forgot about my son’s heart. The move, now having to figure out how to do things that dad would have done was hard and emotional. I thank God for the wonderful men that now surround him, support him, and pray for and with him, and encourage him to share his grief. We are both learning that it’s not a bad thing to ask for help.

And I still cling to Isaiah 54:13 NKJV … and great shall be the peace of your children. God never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. This promise will never change despite what the world throws at us.

The takeaway for me is that grief has to be worked through. It cannot be suppressed, stuffed, and locked in a metal box in the basement of your heart. It will sit there for a bit, but it refuses to stay in that box you’ve stuffed it in. It demands to be heard, felt, acknowledged, dealt with … and if you don’t, it will punish you, make you sick and break out of that box in the most inappropriate way at the most inappropriate moment. When you feel the grief punch you in the gut, acknowledge it. Sit with it. Feel it. And treasure it. It makes you human. And then take the next step. The grief will never go away. The pain will never go away, despite what the world says. But the good news is, it does get easier to dance in the storm. 

Remember, this is your journey. Not your family’s, not your child’s. Yours. If you don’t take care of yourself, you are incapable of helping them in their grief journey. Because when a spouse dies, the whole family grieves.

God’s promises are true and eternal – Psalm 30:5 NKJV Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.