Spring … it certainly feels that way today. The sun is shining, the snow is melting, and the temperature is way above 0o C. Albeit only for today – apparently the snow returns tomorrow. But who cares! It feels like Spring today.
I’m going to enjoy the day, despite the wind whistling through the trees beyond my backyard (howling at times). There is something about sunshine that lifts the spirits. And after two long years of Covid “stuff”, this comes as a welcome change.
Spring. The promise of new beginnings. Which implies the ending of some chapters and the closing of some doors. And that’s scary. March 12th is the anniversary of my husband’s passing. This time four years ago, he was in palliative care, and we were playing the waiting game. It’s so hard to watch Spring arrive outside when you’re sitting inside waiting for death to come. Waiting for the unknown of what comes next. Waiting for the devasting feelings of numbness, loss, abandonment, and aloneness.
Then you’re there. The blur of arrangements, dealing with telling the world, and dealing with other people’s grief, suppressing your own because you need to be strong and brave for your family. Then … reality sets in.
Somehow you find the strength to put one foot in front of the other and slowly, slowly start to put your life back together. It looks different. It feels different. It is different. It’s new. Well, not really new. It’s patched back together and has holes that perhaps will never be filled, and that’s okay. And you wonder if you’ll ever feel like ‘you’ again.
Suddenly, four years have passed, and you wonder how you got here. You still feel bruised and battered. As you look back over the past four years, you are amazed at yourself. Amazed at all the decisions you’ve made to get here, large and small. And you realize that you are stronger and braver than you thought you were, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll make it after all.
Voyage through Life 
I remember those 6 weeks prior to your husband’s passing and remarked at how composed and strong you were, even though I knew the pain you were experiencing. We know there were moments when it was just too much to bear, but you handled it so gracefully with that God-given strength. I am grateful we could attend your husband’s Celebration of Life. We could see the love and compassion surrounding you, telling you that you are not alone and never will be. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Your faith is an example to all those touched by grief and loss.
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